My real CV
EMPLOYMENT HISTORY
Posh supermarket
My responsibilities included turning up for work, in clothes and staying until I was allowed to go home. I learned that no matter how polite you are some people are total assholes.
Coffee shop
My experiences here showed me that basically no one understands what a latte, cappuccino or macchiato are. We have Starbucks to thank for that one.
Bar
Here I made some of my best friends, which was good because that’s pretty much all I got out of it apart from a lengthy list of things which are inappropriate to say to people no matter how drunk you are or how late it is. This was also the first time I witnessed the managed alcoholism of the retired generation.
VOLUNTARY AND UNPAID WORK EXPERIENCE
Student newspaper
Here my experience was that no matter how hard you work people will always be there to piss all over your bonfire. I learned more practical things doing this in my spare time than I did in any of the 4 years I spent at university.
Nursery
Babies are disgusting and cute but the former far outweighs the latter.
Animal protection charity
People are fucking assholes to animals.
ACADEMIC DEVELOPMENT
University
Well this was the biggest, most expensive mistake of my life so far. Perhaps I’ll suggest adding to the prospectus “this degree is utterly fucking useless unless you want to do so much research into it that you can teach it!”
College
Here I discovered that most 16 year old boys are either cognitively absent or would benefit from being so.
Private school
My first moment of realization that there are people who care more about money than they do about people and that having enough money is an acceptable alternative to being engaged in the real world.
EXTRACURRICULAR INTERESTS AND HOBBIES
Amateur Aquarist
I just spent £140 I don’t have on a pair of fish because I didn’t do my research before I bought them. I could also tell you anything you want to know about sharks.
Graphic Design and Publicity Materials
Probably the only useful thing I can do.
Hire me.
